help me.

so im in a fucking delima!!!!!!!!!! well let me catch you guys up.

so HLF was calling me of the chainz for the past few weeks. so the first time he finally called he wanted to curse me out some more. yell some more like i gave a flying fuck. if i was still interested in him like that, ii would have cursed back & dealt with listening to him. however; im not that chick anymore. im so over that shit. so the first night he called me, i listened to what he had to say, well YELL. he was basically saying sum shit like, how ii get mad at him knowing i fucked ole boy. saying he was feeling bad while ii was hoeing around. WTF? shut up asshole. so i told him "im hanging up now" & ii did just that. he called me back a second later talking that shit. cursing me out for hanging up. ii warned him AGAIN that ii was hanging up. & ii did. he called me again. ii was smart enough to press ignore. so that fucker called me again and again until i turned my phone off.

he waited two days later & called me again. ii didnt answer that shit. he called back the next morning. only because he left a message that night saying he just wanted to have a civil conversation. "how are you" is what he started the conversation with LMAO! ii was thinkin WTF? ii said a pretty solemn "fine" then he asked me about my plans for the day. WTF!!!!!!! ii did not want to be cool with this dickhead. granted ii still loved him. but the way ii get over some dirty ass shit like this is NOT be friendly. it would be easy for me to fall back in. ii still liked him too much to think we could be cool. ii said something without saying anything really. im not trying to let this bitch know my plans. so he sensed it in my tone and asked if i wanted to talk about the situation. my mean ass said "thats the point of you calling" usually he would get mad off a smart comment. he didnt. he was really wanting to be cool. well damn! to make a long story short he asked if we could work on fixing on our relationship and move past this. ii told him i wasnt ready. he didnt like my answer and start asking about joseph. we end up getting into a yelling and cursing match and he hung up in my face. round and round we go.

all the while i been living it up with joseph. so all HLF negetivity wasnt effecting this bitch in the least. ii havent told joe about him calling. ii didnt plan to either!

o yea. i forgot to tell ya'll i was hanging out with the BFF and her lil sis. her lil sis fergie told us that kim (the girl HLF cheated on me with) told her that she went to his house, he cooked for her and they watched a movie. and had sex. ya'll i fuckin balled. that shit hurt like a two ton brick on my heart. whats with these mixed up ass emotions. i felt like i was being selfish when im doing the same thing. i had already been with joseph. talked to him everyday. so WTF are these feelings still strong.

so i let my friends talk me into calling kim. ii called her ass and cussed her the fuck out. told her where ii was at if she wanted to handle it. only reason im mad at that skank is because she knew that ii was with HLF. she knew that shit & still pursued him. that bitch wasnt saying shit on the phone while ii was cussing her out. ii called her all kinds of bitches and hoes!! told her if i hear she's been with HLF again i will fuck her upt......fucking skank! if ii catch her in the street........... no ii wont. im working on myself. im passed it. ii still cant believe she didnt hang up or get with me! lol. all she said was "are you finished?" lmao!! i said "no bitch" and kept going. then i hung up on her. and soon after, ii felt bad. as me and joe talked, i learned he doesnt like girls that are hot heads (me) LMAO. ii dont like that type of behavior either. so im not even gonna worry about her. i dont know why ii let them hype me up to even call. all it does is prove ii still like HLF cause he text me a couple minutes after i hung up with her. "why the hell you in my business" & "dont call kim no more" i was steamed and start crying once more.

well let me think.....what else has been happening????????????? nuthin just a few more yummy nights ( and days ) with joseph. ill save that for another blog.

so since we pretty much caught up, til now. you guys are going to kill me!!!!!
HLF called me last night. ii answered and he was basically begging for me back. ok, he wasnt begging but he was doing a lot for the type of guy he he is. he doesnt give up his feelings or talk about emotions too much. he told me he missed me. and he never thought he loved me this much. iit took me going away for him to realize it. we talked for 4 hours about everything. we even laughed. im afraid to tell you guys but joseph called while we were on the phone, but i didnt click over. i know, i know. iim being stupid. this is the hardest fuckin shit! he even ended the coversation with "i love you" and he said if ill have him back he wants it to be right. boyfriend and girlfrind. thats how he was able to loose focous on our relationship and be with that skank. he said he didnt feel comminted to me. so he wants to commit. how is it that the pain he caused is not sticking with me? how is it that after one good conversation on the phone ii forgot about everything we've been through and all the good times with joseph. ii keep crying because i dont know what to do! how can ii be strong? please help me. ii need advise like forreals.

i didnt say yes or no. ii told him ii need to think about everything. guys, he even told me he cried. ii said YEA THE FUCK RIGHT! but he said he did, just because he dont show his emotions to me doesnt mean he dont have them. is that a load of shit?? should ii believe that? he apologized a few times and ii did too. im crying as im typing this blog because i really have no clue on how ii should handle this. the easiest thing is to let him go cause ii have a reason. ii dont have a good logical reason to let joseph go. FUCK! i hate everything! my life sucks.